I came across a link said "how to avoid depression and anxiety in children." And while I'm sure that's for parents whose children may be going through a tough time, I'm imagining a scenario where I could have prevented Katie's illness: "Dear Katie's brain and genetic code, please Katie stop having GAD and major depression.  Thanks, Angela." As if. The link didn't work thank god.

If only I could

I'd probably change the title of my blog, and give it a more relevant title but honestly when I started this I really had no clue where my life would take me on the year or so since I last wrote in this blog.

Some things have happened, I now own a cat. Oddly enough some things haven't because I seem to have to work six day stretches this time of year. I'm on an eight day stretch right now!

One of my children was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder with panic and depression. She's mostly why I started writing in here again, mostly as I've always found writing therapeutic (I.e. My own selfish reasons).

I type this as I sit paralyzed by not wanting to go through the stress of getting her up for school. She has to go. But I don't know how to make her anymore.

Unavoidable

Last night, I had a good long talk with a friend about taking people for granted. And while we all like to think that we don't do that to people, we do. 

I am currently guilty of it with my child care provider and it's eating away at me. I pride myself on always being attuned to people's feelings so being a disappointment is difficult for me to handle. No one is harder on me than me.

I feel though, what else am I supposed to do? I feel stuck in how to make the situation better. It would mean having to drastically cut down my hours at work and with what I currently am making, I can barely afford things as it is.  But if it will make things better, I'll do what I can.

I will do better communicating.

I will do more to help.

I will do more.

Monday: an Indingaro case study.

Some background information:

1. My dad has been ill pretty much my whole life. He just got over having shingles.
2. Currently been working a lot due to a slow recovery from losing our college students to, *sigh*, college.
3. Whether or not I have a day off from work I get up at 6AM to get kiddos ready for school.
4. I typically get home from work around 10PM, and can't fall asleep till 1 AM because I wind down slowly from stress.

(I'm tired. So tired. So stressed. And also tired, and a little emotional)

So, I finally have a day off after a six day stretch at work. I muse on Facebook about how I might just finally clean my kitchen with all my free time. I get up get all three kiddos to school. As I walk back into my house at 9AM, I see the my older brother has called and left a voice mail.  Before I can even respond, my mother in law tells me that I "should probably call your mother back right away." Ooooh kaaayyyy. Happy day off, Angela.

I call, my brother picks up. "Hi, I need your help with something." "Okay I'll be there in 40 minutes." (40 minutes is key here)

My first thought is: Crap, now I HAVE to put a bra on.
My second thought is: Omigodomigodomigodomigod.

As I gather my things to rush to my parents house, my mother in law says "Is everything okay? Your mother said something about a family emergency." Me: "(out loud).........I have no idea (in my head) Omigodomigodomigodomigod (but LOUDER). 

So I decide to not take the highway to my parents house because traffic is still kinda dodgy at 9 in the morning, and I'd like to get there as soon as possible. So I take the back roads to my parents house.  Now driving alone in silence for 40 minutes, I am thinking a lot of things. Things like This is it. This is finally it! Something happened to dad. Or maybe something happened to my younger brother. How will my children handle this? But mostly I'm thinking Omigodomigodomigodomigod!!!!!!!

So basically I'm crying from my house to my parents house. I probably look like a crazy person to the other drivers...but hey FAMILY EMERGENCY, people!

I finally compose myself, and five minutes before I get to my parents' house I text my brother while at a red light.

Me: What am I walking into?
Him: Something broke on mom and dad's car, I just need you to drive me somewhere and I'll take care of the rest.
Me: Jesus Christ.
Him: Yeah, there's oil everywhere.
Me: And by oil you don't mean blood?
Him: LOL, no.

So I get to my mom's house and see that yes, in fact there IS oil everywhere.  Still kind of in panic mode, I text my brother to get the hell outside, so we can take care of the car thing, so I can get back to mom and dad since I probably have to drive someone to the hospital or something. I'm greeted with:

"You know, mom *just* finished making my breakfast when you told me to get outside." I don't need to describe the face I was making because you're probably already. And I probably don't need to tell you that I gave him a hearty Boston "Go fuck yourself." I will tell you that I, probably less than politely, told my brother that next time, just tell me about the car first.

So I relay all of my 9-9:45 AM emotions to my brother; I am greeted with "If something that bad
happened, I'd just tell you." Although, I did manage to get a "Jesus Christ, I'm sorry." out of him. 

If I had but one complaint about my family is that we tend to not tell each other things because we don't want to upset them. Which I may or may not have accused them of in my brain on my drive to Boston.

So long story short, my dad is fine. The oil pan in the car had to be replaced.  I also got to take a nice autumn drive down rt 9, and my mom made me potatoes O'Brien.

So what did we learn? That 40 minutes alone with your imagination can be horrible. And that your mom making you breakfast solves all your problems.

Totes EMO

Well, that certainly was...a summer...I worked A LOT. Didn't swim once. Not the hugest deal, but the end of August going into September has been one tragedy after another.  Two of my friends lost their dads, my aunt died of leukemia, I've screwed things up at work(although, now I have a largely cavalier attitude..I'm telling everyone I'm a loose cannon cop on the edge), I haven't slept properly in months, and something I've been hoping for/dreaming about/pining over is not going to happen; I wish I leg to stand on to complain about it, but I don't.  I'll just beat myself up about it along with everything else I've managed to screw myself out of..(i.e. throw it on the pile)

I never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

But I mean, I am an optimist, I know it won't suck forever but at this moment I'm tired of getting in my own way. I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of not being able to move forward with my life as I would like (even in the smallest sense).

I'm thankful for my friends and their encouragement.  It can go a long way. We're all miserable and sad together, which is better than being miserable and being sad alone, right?

So, I kinda ditched this blog a while ago. Life got in the way/I'm a procrastinator. I don't cook professionally, but I am happy where I'm working. Finished school. In a crazy amount of debt as well, but overall no complaints...do you miss me doing this? Should I start again, but talk about something else? I still love food and cooking...

Goat Cheese

It was culinary school that did it.

I swear I never touched the stuff before then.

And then Garde Manger class happened.

Oh, it happened innocuously enough when my pal Jared suggested we add some to a spinach salad.

You bastard. 

Goat cheese is tangy, slightly salty, and delightfully creamy with a nice crumble.  Ask anyone who I've made spinach salad for how great it goes with a bacon mustard vinaigrette.

Goat Cheese and I met again, in my wine tasting class. This is where goat cheese, dark chocolate, and dried cherries met.  I know it sounds weird...but trust me. Goat cheese and balsamic vinaigrette is pretty awesome too.

Goat Cheese and I will be together forever. No matter how kinky it gets.