Soooooo Pathetic!!

Alright, well the good news is that I have officially gotten over myself.  I like my part time non-cooking seasonal job just fine. So since it's chilly and autumn-y where I am and I'm currently eating it- here's a little recipe for broccoli cheese soup: The recipe came from here and is pretty much how I make it, but because I'm an elitist chef-type I don't really write down measurements (sorry).

• 3/4 cup butter
• 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 9 cups chicken stock
• 9 cups milk
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 teaspoons white pepper White pepper sucks. It smells and tastes like a subway tunnel. Use black. No one cares if you see it in the soup.
• 5 cups fresh broccoli florets
• 1 1/2 pounds processed cheese, shredded (okay, FUCK THIS USE REAL CHEESE or we can't be friends. Try a smoked gouda it's yummy and melty.)
• 3 cups shredded Cheddar cheese

1. Melt the butter in a large pot over medium heat, and mix in the flour. Reduce heat to low, and cook, stirring constantly, about 2 minutes. Mix in the chicken stock and milk (Do yourself a favor, heat these up first especially the milk it will save you a TON of time on bringing it back up to a boil) about 2 cups at a time mix with a whisk so it doesn't get lumpy, and season with salt and pepper. Bring to a boil, reduce heat to low, and simmer about 10 minutes.
2. Bring a pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Place the broccoli in the boiling water, and cook 2 minutes, or until just tender. Remove from heat, drain, and set aside.
3. Gradually mix the processed cheese smoked Gouda (or other actual cheese that you like) and Cheddar cheese into the large pot until melted. Mix in the broccoli. Continue cooking about 5 minutes.

There ya go. I love ya.

*Warning* This is a bitch post. Bitching will occur.

I know, I know I haven't posted any real recipes for a while. I just really haven't had the gumption, and I'm sorry. Here's a quick recap: In August, my kids, husband, and mother in law went to Disney. I had a great time despite being in Florida in August where there's no breeze and about 3000% humidity.  In September I was struggling through my own schooling while getting all three of my kids off to their various schools (which is still going on)....and then October happened. At the end of September I was offered a nice little job, significantly closer to where I live, another person to actually work with, and allegedly tons of creative control. So I reluctantly left my happy little basement at the convent for a corporate cafe....and then got fired after two weeks.  If it's any consolation to you, the owner of the cafe couldn't apologize enough to the point where I felt bad for her/him.

I'm not going to lie, I kind of saw it coming. I will also admit I was in a little over my head, it was just different gears from the convent to the cafe and I guess I just could adjust fast enough. I did a significant amount of crying (an afternoon's worth) before I got fired. Which I suppose is for the best so I didn't make a scene at the cafe.  I cried mostly because at this stage in my life I was/am just tired of hearing the same thing about my work performance over and over and over again. I don't know what to tell you. When I get nervous I instantly forget everything I know and become stunningly incompetent, so starting a new job can be a little rocky for me. But I can and have turned it around. I just was not given the opportunity to at this point. The food business is more urgent a beast than I could ever hope to tame.

I know you're probably saying "Fired only after two weeks? That isn't enough time to decide whether someone sucks or not!" I tend to agree. But hey, I was costing the owner money sooo...
(And sadly no, I can't go back to the convent, but I do have a new non-cooking job, so I won't starve).

Not gonna lie: Getting fired (and I have been fired before) this time around just took my self esteem, threw it in a bathtub full of ice, and stole its kidneys. I thought I was fine. I thought I was over it, but I'm not. I am so not. Not angry at why I was fired but what the firing did to me. I really thought I had left behind all doubt as to what to do with my life when I got my diploma, not so.

I am an optimist, I am. So feeling so depressed and hopeless and utterly useless is not something I like spending time doing.  Lying on my couch and staring at the TV while there are dishes and laundry and vacuuming to be done just makes me feel even more useless. So, while I am trying my best to get back to the optimistic me, the depressed me still seems to be in charge. I will get over it. I will I will I will I will.  I know there is a brilliant cook still in there who will make enough money to hire a housekeeper and that dog I've been wanting for some time now.

 I really feel like I should have gone through this existential bullshit in my 20s. Maybe self-doubt never goes away, not matter how old you are- but if you're lucky you can take your self doubt and transform it into something that will propel you forward in life.  I will do the same. I will. I will. I will.