I sliced my finger open today. You know why? I didn't tuck in my ring finger when I was mincing an onion. Tuck your fingers in! Totally of blog topic, I love this album. Now buy it.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Quiche for the stupid
Why yes, another fattening french dish! Quiche combines my two passions: pie and home fries. So here ya go. And yes, there are shortcuts in this recipe because honestly I do not feel like getting into making pie dough, alright?!
For the homefries, its simple. Take a couple of potatoes (any kind you like, I prefer yukon gold, but whatever you like is fine). Bake them off. About six minutes in the microwave per potato will do. Or if you like to wait for food, bake in the oven for about 24 minutes. Whatever. Don't care. Just bake your damn potato.
I like my homefries with peppers, onions, garlic, and mushrooms(1/2 and onion, a whole pepper, and about 6-8 mushrooms, 1 tsp garlic should do it!). Dice all of these things and mix together with your diced potato(Remember the stuff called salt and pepper, use it liberally). Heat up a skillet with enough oil to coat the bottom. Toss in the potato mixture and fry to your liking. I like mine kinda on the dark and crispy side.
Now when that is done, let it rest and cool and all that shit.
Get a pre-made pie shell and throw it (gently) into your pie pan. Bake it at 375F for about 10 minutes. You could do this while your home fry stuff is frying. Let it cool.
Grate about a cup of your favorite cheesy cheese. I really like provolone, but you could do cheddar, mozzarella, pepper jack, the cheese world is your oyster!
Now in a separate bowl take 4 large eggs and beat them until its smooth and yellow. Add two cups of whole milk or light cream depending on how rich you want it. Beat them together.
Take your favorite cheese, and sprinkle it into the bottom of the pie plate. Now toss in the home fries and egg mixture. I suggest putting your pie pan on a cookie sheet and then putting it in the oven. It help insulate it and if anything spills, it won't get all over your oven. Bake at 375F for about half an hour until the center of your pie is a little jiggly.
And NO, I have not forgotten about bacon. If you want to crumble up some bacon into this quiche be my guest! Sounds delicious! Have fun and as usual, don't burn your house down.
For the homefries, its simple. Take a couple of potatoes (any kind you like, I prefer yukon gold, but whatever you like is fine). Bake them off. About six minutes in the microwave per potato will do. Or if you like to wait for food, bake in the oven for about 24 minutes. Whatever. Don't care. Just bake your damn potato.
I like my homefries with peppers, onions, garlic, and mushrooms(1/2 and onion, a whole pepper, and about 6-8 mushrooms, 1 tsp garlic should do it!). Dice all of these things and mix together with your diced potato(Remember the stuff called salt and pepper, use it liberally). Heat up a skillet with enough oil to coat the bottom. Toss in the potato mixture and fry to your liking. I like mine kinda on the dark and crispy side.
Now when that is done, let it rest and cool and all that shit.
Get a pre-made pie shell and throw it (gently) into your pie pan. Bake it at 375F for about 10 minutes. You could do this while your home fry stuff is frying. Let it cool.
Grate about a cup of your favorite cheesy cheese. I really like provolone, but you could do cheddar, mozzarella, pepper jack, the cheese world is your oyster!
Now in a separate bowl take 4 large eggs and beat them until its smooth and yellow. Add two cups of whole milk or light cream depending on how rich you want it. Beat them together.
Take your favorite cheese, and sprinkle it into the bottom of the pie plate. Now toss in the home fries and egg mixture. I suggest putting your pie pan on a cookie sheet and then putting it in the oven. It help insulate it and if anything spills, it won't get all over your oven. Bake at 375F for about half an hour until the center of your pie is a little jiggly.
And NO, I have not forgotten about bacon. If you want to crumble up some bacon into this quiche be my guest! Sounds delicious! Have fun and as usual, don't burn your house down.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Eggs+Sugar+Cream+Fire=Creme Brulee (For Eddie)
This dish is a big "Up Yours" to Ice Cream. Smooth, creamy, and a delightful crunch. So easy to make! Some tools you'll need:
This is Paula Deen's recipe: (my directions)
Turn off the heat and let the vanilla bean steep for about 15 minutes. Then get it the fuck out of your life. It's served its purpose....I suppose if you rinse it off and let it dry, you can stick it in your sugar jar. IF YOU MUST.
Strain through a fine mesh strainer. Strain it into something that makes it easy for your to pour it
Either whisk or throw into your mixer the egg yolks for about five minutes until light in color. Gradually beat in 1/4 cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar. Add about half the cream, a little at a time to the egg mixture, whisking until well blended. Then pour the egg mixture into the remaining cream mixture. Stir until completely blended.
Pour the custard into 4 (9-ounce) ramekins. Place the dishes in large baking pan. Put the roasting pan into the over and THEN add the water. This helps you avoid sloshing water into your happy little bowls of cream. Pour enough hot water into the pan to come halfway up the sides of the ramekins. Bake for 35 to 40 minutes or until the mixture is set in the center (it should still wiggle when shaken). Carefully remove the dishes from the baking pan(some people use a spatula to help lift them out. Let cool to room temperature and then refrigerate for at least 2 hours, or up to 24 hours. Let creme brulee stand at room temperature 20 minutes before serving.
Divide 1/3 to 1/2 cup white or light brown sugar in a thin, even layer over each custard, covering it completely. To caramelize the sugar, light a butane torch and hold it so the flame just touches the surface. Start at the center and spiral out toward the edges of the ramekins. If the sugar begins to burn, pull the torch away and blow on the sugar to extinguish the flame. Serve immediately.
Now kids, please for the love of Gawd be careful. Please don't set yourself, your cat, your curtains, your husband, your kids, your entertainment lawyer, your mailman or anything else on fire. Fire Bad! You can't enjoy creme brulee whilst on fire. Now go enjoy my favorite dessert, or I'll cut you!
- A roasting pan
- Four to six ramekins(like teeny tiny casserole dishes)
- A small butane torch (or use your broiler)
- Fine mesh strainer
This is Paula Deen's recipe: (my directions)
- 2 cups heavy cream
- 1 vanilla bean, slit lengthwise (take a small knife tip and scrape out the inside and drop into the cream)
- 4 large egg yolks
- 1/4 cup, plus 1 tablespoon sugar
- 1/3 to 1/2 cup white granulated or light brown sugar(or Sugar in the raw, like I said)
Turn off the heat and let the vanilla bean steep for about 15 minutes. Then get it the fuck out of your life. It's served its purpose....I suppose if you rinse it off and let it dry, you can stick it in your sugar jar. IF YOU MUST.
Strain through a fine mesh strainer. Strain it into something that makes it easy for your to pour it
Either whisk or throw into your mixer the egg yolks for about five minutes until light in color. Gradually beat in 1/4 cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar. Add about half the cream, a little at a time to the egg mixture, whisking until well blended. Then pour the egg mixture into the remaining cream mixture. Stir until completely blended.
Pour the custard into 4 (9-ounce) ramekins. Place the dishes in large baking pan. Put the roasting pan into the over and THEN add the water. This helps you avoid sloshing water into your happy little bowls of cream. Pour enough hot water into the pan to come halfway up the sides of the ramekins. Bake for 35 to 40 minutes or until the mixture is set in the center (it should still wiggle when shaken). Carefully remove the dishes from the baking pan(some people use a spatula to help lift them out. Let cool to room temperature and then refrigerate for at least 2 hours, or up to 24 hours. Let creme brulee stand at room temperature 20 minutes before serving.
Divide 1/3 to 1/2 cup white or light brown sugar in a thin, even layer over each custard, covering it completely. To caramelize the sugar, light a butane torch and hold it so the flame just touches the surface. Start at the center and spiral out toward the edges of the ramekins. If the sugar begins to burn, pull the torch away and blow on the sugar to extinguish the flame. Serve immediately.
Now kids, please for the love of Gawd be careful. Please don't set yourself, your cat, your curtains, your husband, your kids, your entertainment lawyer, your mailman or anything else on fire. Fire Bad! You can't enjoy creme brulee whilst on fire. Now go enjoy my favorite dessert, or I'll cut you!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Dough Boy
Making your own pizza dough can be fun. And I say "feh" to all those who buy their dough. I mean in a pinch yes, fine go ahead. I have kids. I know about feeding people in a timely manner. Just for once don't be a pansy and try it for yourself. Plus, you've rendered my blog useless if you don't try it yourself. So thanks. Jerk.
In a mixer, with dough hook attatchment:
Move this bitch to a large metal bowl that is lightly oiled (if you got one kicking around, these conduct the warmth you need to rise the dough much more evenly and quickly). Cover with plastic and put in warm place 75 to 80F. I usually put mine next to my floor heater. This should take a couple hours, but check on it after and hour or so.
But how do I know if its doubled in volume you say? Well, on your plastic wrap, trace a circle around your dough. If its grown out of this circle, its pretty much doubled.
Preheat your oven to 475F. If you have a baking stone, preheat it for 45 minutes
Grab you dough, punch it down in anger...or glee- whatever suits you. Just don't hurt yourself! Divide in half (which is easier if you buy a food scale like I told you to.)
Using floured hands(not table) roll your pieces into tight little balls. Use the heel of your palm to do this. If things get sticky, re-flour your hands.
Cover your balls with plastic wrap and let rest for about 15 minutes.
Now take your first ball and flatten it into a disk. If it bounces back too much, it needs more time to rest. Nobody likes a cranky, tired two year old which is what your ball of dough is to the universe if it bounces back.
Okay there are many ways to stretch out pizza dough. You can use a rolling pin: my advice here is to start in the middle and roll up and turn the dough a quarter turn and roll from the middle up. and so on until you get about a 12 inch pizza.
You can hand stretch it, either by spinning (which I admittedly do not know how to do, but I do know someone who does) or hand stretching it on the table. Take your left palm (if you're right handed, reverse if left handed) and place it in the middle of your dough and with your right hand pull gently at the twelve o'clock point and then turn a quarter turn and repeat until desired size. Then fold over the edges and brush the dough with Olive oil.
Place on a baking sheet (either to cook on or slide gently onto your baking stone dusted with cornmeal) add your sauce and whatever kind of cheese and toppings you like to put on pizza. I personally like mozzarella and asiago. Slide into the oven (or baking stone in oven) on the bottom shelf. Bake for about 12 minutes. When its done, sprinkle with some kosher salt and serve.
But ultimately its easier after a long day at work and traffic to just order a pizza, which we are all allowed to do once in a while. Now never give me shit about ordering a pizza again.
In a mixer, with dough hook attatchment:
- 1 packet active dry yeast
- 1 1/3 c warm water (95 degrees, anything over 100 degrees will kill yeast)
- 3 1/2 to 4 cups of bread flour (AP will do too, you'll just have a different texture crust)
- 2 T Olive oil
- 1 T salt
- 1 T sugar
Move this bitch to a large metal bowl that is lightly oiled (if you got one kicking around, these conduct the warmth you need to rise the dough much more evenly and quickly). Cover with plastic and put in warm place 75 to 80F. I usually put mine next to my floor heater. This should take a couple hours, but check on it after and hour or so.
But how do I know if its doubled in volume you say? Well, on your plastic wrap, trace a circle around your dough. If its grown out of this circle, its pretty much doubled.
Preheat your oven to 475F. If you have a baking stone, preheat it for 45 minutes
Grab you dough, punch it down in anger...or glee- whatever suits you. Just don't hurt yourself! Divide in half (which is easier if you buy a food scale like I told you to.)
Using floured hands(not table) roll your pieces into tight little balls. Use the heel of your palm to do this. If things get sticky, re-flour your hands.
Cover your balls with plastic wrap and let rest for about 15 minutes.
Now take your first ball and flatten it into a disk. If it bounces back too much, it needs more time to rest. Nobody likes a cranky, tired two year old which is what your ball of dough is to the universe if it bounces back.
Okay there are many ways to stretch out pizza dough. You can use a rolling pin: my advice here is to start in the middle and roll up and turn the dough a quarter turn and roll from the middle up. and so on until you get about a 12 inch pizza.
You can hand stretch it, either by spinning (which I admittedly do not know how to do, but I do know someone who does) or hand stretching it on the table. Take your left palm (if you're right handed, reverse if left handed) and place it in the middle of your dough and with your right hand pull gently at the twelve o'clock point and then turn a quarter turn and repeat until desired size. Then fold over the edges and brush the dough with Olive oil.
Place on a baking sheet (either to cook on or slide gently onto your baking stone dusted with cornmeal) add your sauce and whatever kind of cheese and toppings you like to put on pizza. I personally like mozzarella and asiago. Slide into the oven (or baking stone in oven) on the bottom shelf. Bake for about 12 minutes. When its done, sprinkle with some kosher salt and serve.
But ultimately its easier after a long day at work and traffic to just order a pizza, which we are all allowed to do once in a while. Now never give me shit about ordering a pizza again.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Because I got shit for ordering a pizza....
...now you little bastards get to see the time and effort put into a pizza. I mean a GOOD pizza.
First, the sauce. Sure you can buy jarred- but then some Italian friend will look down on you and hit you in the ass with a spoon (I know this sounds racist, but it really has happened to me *ahem* Vincent)
The one thing I don't mind buying canned is tomatoes. These are actually more flavorful than the whole tomatoes you find in the grocery store(like San Marzanos for instance). If you want to be super dorky, grow your own roma tomatoes, I mean why not add months to the effort?! You got time, right?!
Add the tomatoes and their juices, the puree, and the sachet. Bring to a boil, then turn down the heat and simmer for a couple hours. This sauce likes to burn so be careful. You could toss it in a 300F oven to avoid this.
You can strain the sauce or run it through a food mill or food processor or just leave it be. Taste and add salt and sugar as you desire.
**Before you attempt to dice the carrot break it down into two inch pieces before dicing, and make sure you flatten out a side before cutting!
Or option Two! (if you want to be a lazy asshole)
3 oz shallots chopped fine
6 garlic cloves chopped fine
1/4 c olive oil
1 lb 8oz fresh tomatoes chopped fine
salt and pepper to taste
1. Sweat shallots and garlic in olive oil. That means cook over a low heat and do not brown.
2. Add tomatoes and cook until thickened.
3. Season.
First, the sauce. Sure you can buy jarred- but then some Italian friend will look down on you and hit you in the ass with a spoon (I know this sounds racist, but it really has happened to me *ahem* Vincent)
The one thing I don't mind buying canned is tomatoes. These are actually more flavorful than the whole tomatoes you find in the grocery store(like San Marzanos for instance). If you want to be super dorky, grow your own roma tomatoes, I mean why not add months to the effort?! You got time, right?!
- 4 oz salt pork, or bacon (or olive oil si vous preferez)
- 1 large onion, diced
- 1 large carrot, diced**
- 4 qts(128oz) tomatoes canned or fresh
- 2 qts (64oz) tomato puree
- A sachet containing: 2 garlic cloves, 1 bay leaf, 1/4 tsp dried rosemary, 1/4 tsp oregano, 1/4 tsp peppercorns, crushed
- Salt and sugar to taste
Add the tomatoes and their juices, the puree, and the sachet. Bring to a boil, then turn down the heat and simmer for a couple hours. This sauce likes to burn so be careful. You could toss it in a 300F oven to avoid this.
You can strain the sauce or run it through a food mill or food processor or just leave it be. Taste and add salt and sugar as you desire.
**Before you attempt to dice the carrot break it down into two inch pieces before dicing, and make sure you flatten out a side before cutting!
Or option Two! (if you want to be a lazy asshole)
3 oz shallots chopped fine
6 garlic cloves chopped fine
1/4 c olive oil
1 lb 8oz fresh tomatoes chopped fine
salt and pepper to taste
1. Sweat shallots and garlic in olive oil. That means cook over a low heat and do not brown.
2. Add tomatoes and cook until thickened.
3. Season.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Taco Finale
Alright you taco lovers, so you know how to dice a tomato, the fundamental idea of dicing is the same for all things you'd like to dice: a few horizontal slices, and an equal amount of vertical slices and viola, you have diced something! Also, I am fairly sure you know how to brown hamburger in a pan, and taco shells are readily available to you so quickly here is a taco seasoning recipe, followed by a recipe for salsa fresca.
Seasoning:
1 lb. diced tomato
1/2 onion, diced
1 green pepper diced
2 garlic cloves, chopped finely
1 T chopped fresh cilantro (dry will just not cut it)
1 tsp chopped oregano
1/4 cup (in a liquid measure! They have pourable spouts) lime juice
1 jalapeno, minced (fancy talk for teeny tiny dice)
2 Tablespoons Olive Oil
1/4 tsp ground black pepper (it would be fresh if you had a pepper grinder)
2 tsp salt
Combine and let sit. It is pretty rad when it get to rest for a day. In the fridge.
There. Now you have your salsa, your cheese, and your meat. Enjoy!
Seasoning:
- 4 teaspoons dried minced onion
- 3 teaspoons chili powder
- 1 teaspoon cornstarch
- 1 teaspoon garlic powder
- 1 teaspoon ground cumin
- 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
- 1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 lb. diced tomato
1/2 onion, diced
1 green pepper diced
2 garlic cloves, chopped finely
1 T chopped fresh cilantro (dry will just not cut it)
1 tsp chopped oregano
1/4 cup (in a liquid measure! They have pourable spouts) lime juice
1 jalapeno, minced (fancy talk for teeny tiny dice)
2 Tablespoons Olive Oil
1/4 tsp ground black pepper (it would be fresh if you had a pepper grinder)
2 tsp salt
Combine and let sit. It is pretty rad when it get to rest for a day. In the fridge.
There. Now you have your salsa, your cheese, and your meat. Enjoy!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
A little treat for my true taco lovers!
How to make your own Queso Blanco!
1/2 gallon (64oz) Whole milk
2 Tablespoons cider vinegar
2 Tablespoons kosher salt
1. Heat the milk to 185F stirring often to prevent scorching.
2. Gradually add the vinegar and the salt. Remove from heat when the milk has solidified (this is call a 'curd')
3. Using a cheesecloth lined(a couple layers will do) colander over a bowl drain the curd for a few hours (one, if you're really desperate for cheese)
Use this right away or cover and refrigerate for one week.
p.380 The Art and Craft of the Cold Kitchen: Garde Manger 3rd Edition
1/2 gallon (64oz) Whole milk
2 Tablespoons cider vinegar
2 Tablespoons kosher salt
1. Heat the milk to 185F stirring often to prevent scorching.
2. Gradually add the vinegar and the salt. Remove from heat when the milk has solidified (this is call a 'curd')
3. Using a cheesecloth lined(a couple layers will do) colander over a bowl drain the curd for a few hours (one, if you're really desperate for cheese)
Use this right away or cover and refrigerate for one week.
p.380 The Art and Craft of the Cold Kitchen: Garde Manger 3rd Edition
Friday, April 1, 2011
Tomatter...Taco Puzzle Piece part II
Alrighty. So your have you knife and your cutting board with a damp towel underneath so it doesn't slide around while you're cutting with your supah-shaahp knife dude. Okay. Do you have your tomato? Wash it. Dry it.
Think of the tomato as the planet Earth with a north pole and a south pole. The top of the tomato where it was connected to the plant(known as the 'blossom end') is the north pole. Slice (keeping your friggin fingers on your non-knife using hand tucked back) the north pole and then the south pole off.
Flip your topless tomato onto its cut, and therefore flat side. This is one of those times where you should listen: A tomato is round, yes? Round things like to roll, yes? Rolling things+sharp knives+squishy, easily cut flesh=BAD. Now, slice that sucker in half one more time. You have to halves of your tomato. Good for you. You should call your mom and tell her all about it. I'm sure she'll totally care.
Put one of your tomato halves to the side. Alrighty, now, with your FLAT side on your cutting board. Slowly and carefully (with your palm gently placed on the rounded side, and your thumb tucked in) slice from the north pole to the south pole( i.e. vertically) in about 1/4" slices. A 1/4" is about the width of your pinky nail. About three slices should be good.
If your knife is sharp, and you are being careful, this should be an easy process. If your knife isn't that sharp and you're fighting to cut through tomato skin (which is sad, really) you may slip and sever a tendon in your forearm, which is something we'd like to avoid, right?
Okay good. Now Trying your best to stay at 1/4", slice horizontally (fingers tucked the hell in, I can't stress this shit enough) probably about six slices should do ya, depending on the size of your tomato. OMFG, you just diced a tomato muthableepah!
Think of the tomato as the planet Earth with a north pole and a south pole. The top of the tomato where it was connected to the plant(known as the 'blossom end') is the north pole. Slice (keeping your friggin fingers on your non-knife using hand tucked back) the north pole and then the south pole off.
Flip your topless tomato onto its cut, and therefore flat side. This is one of those times where you should listen: A tomato is round, yes? Round things like to roll, yes? Rolling things+sharp knives+squishy, easily cut flesh=BAD. Now, slice that sucker in half one more time. You have to halves of your tomato. Good for you. You should call your mom and tell her all about it. I'm sure she'll totally care.
Put one of your tomato halves to the side. Alrighty, now, with your FLAT side on your cutting board. Slowly and carefully (with your palm gently placed on the rounded side, and your thumb tucked in) slice from the north pole to the south pole( i.e. vertically) in about 1/4" slices. A 1/4" is about the width of your pinky nail. About three slices should be good.
If your knife is sharp, and you are being careful, this should be an easy process. If your knife isn't that sharp and you're fighting to cut through tomato skin (which is sad, really) you may slip and sever a tendon in your forearm, which is something we'd like to avoid, right?
Okay good. Now Trying your best to stay at 1/4", slice horizontally (fingers tucked the hell in, I can't stress this shit enough) probably about six slices should do ya, depending on the size of your tomato. OMFG, you just diced a tomato muthableepah!
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